Some of these I have experienced directly. Some of these I've noticed in close proximity to me. Some of these I've even exhibited myself. And again - NONE of these things make someone a bad PERSON, but I do believe all of these necessarily exclude someone from being a good PARTNER...
1. HE'S HAD MORE THAN ONE ALL-DAY HANGOVER IN THE LAST MONTH.
Let's face it, my Gays, as a community, we drink a lot. There's the old adage of the first gay cruise, that left port stocked just as any other cruise ship would have been, and ran out of liquor in the first two days. None of us is surprised by this story. And I'm sure we all have a short list of friends in the community for whom we are silently writing their intervention letters in our heads.
At some point, as we grow older, our body does start to realize "hey, this is poisonous," and the ill-effects of alcohol are harder to escape. For me, the approach to Dirty Thirty saw my body become increasingly less tolerant of venomous booze. I've seen similar experiences echoed by many around me.
Mentally I didn't respond RIGHT away, and for a while I continued to try and party like it was 2009... and I was still thoroughly in my 20s. Finally, begrudgingly, I began to get the hint, and my overall party level has tapered off. There are still times I over-indulge, but I'm usually fine by 10am, and those can happen on one glass of wine without a large enough meal beforehand.
However, it takes a special kind of disregard for your body to overindulge to the point where you spend the entirety of the next day sick. And let's be honest - none of us is ever all that surprised when we get there. We typically know, sometimes we even plan in advance. This isn't really an accident so much as a subconscious choice.
We all do it *sometimes* - on holidays or other special occasions - but usually it's followed my a long period of "I never want to do THAT again..." when we are extra cautious to ensure we stay on the neat-and-tidy side of that fence. Then, many moons later, we forget how much it sucked, overindulge again, and are again reminded - "oh yeah. Drinking that much means one helluva bad day."
We've already established this is not an ACCIDENTAL behavior, so it stands to reason that someone who does this with any kind of frequency either A. does not have the wisdom to learn from past mistakes, or B. simply disregards their own health and well-being (and therefore the same of others) for the sake of immediate pleasure.
VERDICT: kick it to the curb. This kind of pattern binge drinking is a tell-tale sign of a highly addictive personality, and you'll never really be sure if you're dating the drunk or the sober version of that person.
2. HE'S BEEN "MONOGAMOUSLY COUPLED" WITH MORE THAN THREE PEOPLE IN THE LAST EIGHT MONTHS.
The term "serial monogamist" is bandied about quite a bit in our community. Typically it refers to someone who, rather than engaging in random sexual encounters with whomever, whenever it strikes their fancy, prefers to have sex with ONE person at a time, typically for a few months at a time.
Normal, every day "dating" in our world can often resemble this pattern since we don't usually have reservations about hopping in the sack early on. No risk of pregnancy? Let's fuck. Of course, we're all well aware of the myriad risks of promiscuity, so when we really like someone we want to protect them (and be protected in return) by choosing not to sleep around. As a result, many many gays choose to only "date" one person at a time, to a bevy of results.
More often than not this ends with an unrequited decision that "this isn't working out." After all, each of us will only have one relationship that lasts the rest of our lives. Then, both men move their separate ways, one usually a lot more wounded than the other.
The healthiest response to this is for both people to take a look at the situation and take stock of their role in it. The one who is left usually does this without needing to be told - often too harshly and for too long (yes, I speak from experience). But it behooves the one who is leaving to take a look at what they've just done and say "I just hurt someone. Could this have been avoided? Is there something I can do in the future so it's less likely to happen again?"
This necessarily requires some time for private reflection and introspection, something almost nobody can do when fascinated by the glamour of a new lover.
It makes perfect sense that sometimes, the right person comes along before the end of, or immediately after, the previous relationship. And who am I to tell anyone not to follow their heart? However, when it becomes a pattern, it betrays at best a fascination not with connection, but with butterflies in the tummy - and at worst, a callous disregard for the effect one's actions have on others.
VERDICT: Get out ma face. You're not falling in love with ME, you're falling in love with LOVE. Which has no pulse or identity... which means you have no idea what it is.
3. THERE IS ANYONE WITHIN THE COMMUNITY WITH WHOM HE WOULD HAVE AN ALTERCATION AT-SIGHT.
We do not live in a Disney cartoon. Sure, there are heroes and villains in our world, but things are not as clean cut as "he's the villain because he wants to hurt people." "She's the hero because she wants to help people." Things are more "wibbly-wobbly" and tenuous than that. Often times, the "villain" doesn't realize they are hurting people, or hurting *some* is justified by the good it does for *others*. Hitler didn't think he was a villain. Conversely, sometimes we hurt people by trying to help them. Ever pet-sit for a friend, only to have something bad happen to their pet on your watch? You never MEANT for that to happen, and yet...
So the idea of having an adversary is, at heart, ludicrous. Immature. That doesn't mean everyone has to like you - lord knows there are plenty of people who do NOT like me. But typically, a mature, healthy adult can simply put up a veil of silence and say "that is a persona non grata." And if silence doesn't suffice, there's always avoidance. Move to another room, go to another bar, etc. If that's even a challenge, there's direct communication: "please don't invite X because I don't want to see them," or "can we go somewhere else? X is usually there at that time, and I'd rather not put myself in that situation."
At extreme levels of immaturity, peace is not possibly, and then the pissing contest ensues. Yes, I've been there before, and it isn't pretty. It becomes a competition of who can be meaner or crueler to whom, and sometimes even turns into the possibility for physical violence.
If the simple act of going out on the town could result in either one of you being stabbed... there's a problem. First, why knowingly put yourself in an unsafe position? Second, what kind of a judge of character is he that he dates psychos? How MANY psychos has he dated? Does he attract psychos because he IS a psycho?
VERDICT: Even with Obamacare in effect, no man is worth a trip to the emergency room. Let him fly.
4. HIS "BESTIE" IS A CONSTANT SOURCE OF DRAMA.
One of the wisest pieces of advice I've ever received is "you learn the most from those with whom you spend the most time." It makes sense - our attitudes, opinions and behaviors are often the result of discussion and compromise with those we hold dear.
So it stands to reason, when we choose to let someone be close to us, it's because that's what we want. And looking at the people I know, I'd say it rings true - like often hangs with like.
So if his Bestie - the one who saw your picture before your first date, the one whose approval you secretly KNOW you must have, the one whose texts he'll answer on a date - is the type who attracts or follows drama... guess what? He's Drama.
And herein lies the rub: we all have the same amount of time to distribute to our loved ones. When he was single, the Bestie got first pick. Now that he's getting close to you, hopefully you'll start climbing those ranks. The first time you go head-to-head with the Bestie for a chunk of Him-Time, there's going to be a problem.
And remember: we've already established he likes drama. It's going to be way more dramatic to watch someone get hit by a bus than stage a level-headed compromise...
VERDICT: No. Sir. No more.
5. THERE'S A FORESEEABLE CHANCE HE'S MOVING AWAY WITHIN THE YEAR.
This one is particularly near and dear to me. It's especially important here in Denver, an area of the country that is full-to-bursting with college students and corporate training grounds where middle-managers spend the first year of their careers before going where they're REALLY supposed to be.
Here's the bottom line: he already knows his future isn't HERE. and because of that he's already one foot out the door. Sure, he wants intimacy and connection and love and sex for the next year of his life, but there's also a shiny, new city of unexplored possibilities waiting in his future, and you'd be an utter fool to think he's not aware of that. He might grow to truly care about you deeply, even love you, but is a year enough time to alter the direction of his life for you? Is a year enough time to alter the direction of your life for him?
Probably not. Maybe... but probably not.
And before you delude yourself with imaginary fixes like long-distance relationships, or commuter relationships remember: he doesn't necessarily know what he's going to find on the other end. There just may be a close enough approximation of you in Seattle. It doesn't mean he cares about you any less, but that close approximation sure is going to feel good to cuddle with when he misses you...
VERDICT: Not gonna say it's not the right kind of man, but it's not the right time. Do yourselves a favor and don't let it blossom. The further you let it get, the more it's going to hurt when he leaves.
6. HIS LIFE IS FLAWLESSLY ORGANIZED INTO AN ABSOLUTELY PERFECT ROUTINE.
He goes to bed at the same time every night. He knows exactly when he needs to leave to get to work on time. He has the exact same grocery list every week, and runs his errands at the same time every day. Everything in his apartment has its ideal place. In short: HE IS PUT. TOGETHER.
I'm not going to lie - I find this attractive. Especially because so much of my 20s was marked with chaos and uncertaintly, a man who knows exactly where he's going to be every second of every day is refreshingly... corporate. It reeks of stability.
It also reeks of coping mechanism. We are chaotic creatures - every single one of us, instinctively, with move toward disorder rather than order. There are plenty out there who have mastered the art of organization in a way that is completely healthy, but this kind of fastidiousness is dangerous. Because love - LOVE is messy.
At first, you'll find it thrilling to conform to his habits. How cute, we're going to bed together. How cute, we're leaving for work together. How cute, I'm perfectly able to help him keep his place clean. But then you won't be able to sleep one night, and your tossing and turning might keep him up. You won't be able to find your keys one morning, so he leaves five minutes late. You decide you've had enough Mexican food and want something different for lunch this weekend. You forget your bag on his chair and it's in his way when he gets home.
Slowly but surely, your imperfect assimilation to his schedule will erode his acceptance of you down, until you are a nuisance and a bother. And he will give you the boot.
VERDICT: If he has no room for mistakes in his life, he has no room for you. Seek your space somewhere else.
7. HE HAS A PROBLEM WITH DRAG QUEENS.
Mark my words: this is probably the most uncompromising, steadfast dealbreaker on this list. There is NO reason on EARTH to have an issue with drag queens... except internalized homophobia.
He doesn't have to wear wigs or makeup or high heels or dresses. But if he despises those who choose to do just that, it's because there's a part of him that hates himself for not being that brave. There IS. NO. OTHER. REASON. PERIOD.
I'm not saying he should be able to name every queen on every season of RuPaul's Drag Race in the order they were eliminated (like I can), but if he bristles at the idea of a drag show, or makes derogatory comments at boys who "look" or "act" like girls, there is self-hatred present, and given the chance he will grow to hate you just as much as he hates himself.
VERDICT: Get. The. Fuck. Out. He needs therapy, STAT.
8. HIS DRIVING LITERALLY MAKES YOU FEAR FOR YOUR LIFE.
When someone is riding in your car, they are your guest. It's just like when they're seated at your dinner table or sleeping under your roof. Just about every religion on the planet, every culture that has ever existed will agree that you TREAT YOUR GUESTS WELL. You may not be able to control everything about their experience, but that which you can control you want to be pleasant. You want to take good care of them. You want them to be happy and comfortable.
Some of the things you can control are how hard your foot is pressed to the gas pedal. How much you drink before offering to drive, or when you've already agreed to drive.
You are precious cargo, and if he's truly a man, he's going to treat you as such. If he's speeding, driving while impaired, or otherwise driving dangerously he's giving you a clear signal - I don't give a FUCK about you.
Listen to him when he says that. It quite literally could save your life.
VERDICT: it doesn't matter how enchanting the evening was, we all look the same being scraped off the pavement. Let him drive off into the sunset alone.
9. HE HAS RACE, BODY, OR "MASCULINITY" REQUIREMENTS FOR HIS PARTNERS THAT NEED TO BE STATED OUT LOUD.
Though I was raised in an idealistic, saccharine and utterly homogeneous society that would hotly debate me on this topic, my years in Los Angeles taught me something important: Everyone's racist. Everyone. It's part of our inborn survival instincts to mistrust things that are different. Dangerous situations are born of unfamiliar territory. Not to say that we should hate, or discriminate, but pre-judging situations and, yes, people, is an intrinsic part of being human.
This also means that we pre-judge potential mates. And especially as males - who are required to be attracted ENOUGH to their mate to hold an erection long enough to ejaculate - we pre-judge based on factors related solely to physical attraction. Body. Appearance. Behavior.
I'm not going to lie about it: I am more attracted to men of some races than others. I am not what I would consider a "body nazi" by any means, but I am attracted to men within a certain range of height-weight proportion.
Having these mate-seeking requirements isn't the issue. It's unavoidable - if you aren't physically attracted, you aren't physically attracted. It's the need to "cull the herd" by "weeding out" those who do not fit those requirements. When you broadcast that you're only attracted to "masculine white jocks WHO ACT LIKE MEN," what you're really saying is "if you don't fit the bill, don't waste my time."
But... that's a living, breathing human with experiences and thoughts all their own. They're no more a waste of someone's time than you are. You have plenty of friends and family members with whom you would not copulate even if given a chance, but they aren't a waste of your time, are they?
It's pure arrogance to assume you'll be so surrounded by masculine white jocks that you won't have any time to even notice anyone else, and it's pure ignorance to assume there simply could not be a black, large or effeminate man with enough strength, character and beauty to burrow into your heart. If you must judge - and we all must - have the grace to keep it to yourself.
VERDICT: It is ALWAYS an honor and a compliment when someone finds you beautiful, and it is an honor and a compliment that not everybody gets to hear all that often. Even if you wouldn't fuck them, be open to the idea that they still find you beautiful, and if they want to, let them tell you.
10. HIS FRIENDS SHOW LITTLE-TO-NO INTEREST IN YOU.
If you wanna know more about him without asking questions, look no further than his friends. Through years of being around one another, my friends and I interact and relate in ways that are uniquely tailored to one another, and an observant person would learn a lot about me simply by watching my friends when we're together.
I'm fairly certain this is true for all of us.
His friends, without even meaning to, will give you deep, DEEP insight into where he has been, and where they think he is going. If they show a genuine interest in you, are excited to meet you, and are eager to welcome you into the fold, it probably means he makes good choices and they're excited to see the wonderful man he's found.
If, on the other hand, they can't remember your name, would rather not talk to you, and barely hold eye contact, it probably means they're sick of meeting his disastrous dates, and don't expect you to be around for long.
VERDICT: They may be too close to say it out loud, but their non-verbal communication will tell you loud and clear what kind of man you've found.
11. YOU "GET ALONG SO WELL" THAT THE TWO OF YOU "NEVER FIGHT."
This one just got me into trouble. And it's something at which I've always rolled my eyes when touted by others. Hopefully I've now learned my lesson.
The lack of conflict doesn't mean you two agree. It means one or both of you doesn't know how to communicate if they suspect conflict will arise. There will always be needs that aren't met. There will always be small disappointments and misunderstandings that warrant some notice or discussion. It doesn't have to cause an all-out ROW, but there should at least be ripples.
VERDICT: Still waters run deep... what's he thinking down there, where he thinks no light can penetrate?
12. THERE ARE PEOPLE IN HIS LIFE THAT CANNOT KNOW ABOUT YOU.
Yes, this is *mostly* targeted at those of the community who have not yet come out of the closet. I know there are multiple schools of thought on this, and this may be an opinionated thing to say, but I don't think you are any good to the community at all if you cannot bring yourself to be honest about who you are.
For so many reasons, this is a big NO-NO, DON'T DATE IT. Either he has a relationship he's going against - which means you're perpetrating an act of evil whether you know it or not - or he's perfectly fine with lying to those around him (which WILL bite you in the ass some day, mark my words). Or, as with the Drag Queen Hater, he's harboring some deep self-hatred and shame and he'd rather not deal with it.
VERDICT: You deserve someone who is enthusiastic about the possibility of being in one anothers' lives. If he is trying to keep you secret, what else is he trying to keep secret?
